This is not to say that I have regrets. Concerns? Yes, most definitely, but I have to say I'm perfectly confident that I'm going to come out on the other end of this tangent hugely "improved", if I can stand to use such an adjective in terms of my own personal development.
In fact, right now, at this very moment, I'm shrugging off the urge (rather violently) to look into beekeeping, accordion lessons, spinning wheels, learning to play the piano, menu planning and of course the one thing I should be doing: preparing for a career in translation.
It turns out I am not the type of person who should live with a laptop or wireless internet or even be a stay-at-home mom. Where is my discipline? Having said that, I've got to add this: These last nine months have reminded me that I am a hugely passionate person. I'm not sure where that awareness was buried for my children's first years. I guess I remembered that person, but now I've managed to pull her out of the past and squeeze her back into my being. I kind of feel alive again--almost whole. It's wonderful and exciting to spin yarn! And to sing whilst doing it? So, so very alive, indeed! (I'm not even joking.)
The challenge is that there is just too much.
- There are the basics: homemade food and shelter--I wish I could still buy packaged bread and that maintaining a clean and orderly home wasn't so much work.
- Then there are the essential pastimes: knitting, and sewing--thank goodness for children finally wearing through their clothes and learning to love my music.
- Then the dream of buying a farm and homeschooling my children--raising sheep and chickens and bees and much of our own food.
- There is the career--that's right, the one I mentioned above. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE translating, it's just that...
- There is the dog and exercise--I love these, but seriously, what time sucks!
- And the tiny house--what if we all consumed a whole lot less--including space.
- There are the new (spinning) passions, and the old (music)--I better learn to play an instrument (accordion? piano?) soon if I'm going to accompany myself one day!
- And an endless list of other things that occupy my mind and, essentially, keep me from getting very far with any one thing... except maybe the knitting... ahem.
I can justify some of it, yes. My girls are along for the ride and are learning along side of me--at five and six they are already so experienced and knowledgeable while still being innocent and unaware of all the grown-up stuff that awaits them. What needs to change is the way I order all these things, so that they will also learn that it's better to set and accomplish a few meaningful goals than it is to take on more than you can possibly do well.
So, what will I cross off my list?