I felt a little embarrassed after my last post, wishing I could be more like those blissful blogging mothers whose words and photos inspire me... But it sure was nice to have a realm where to ditch all those thoughts that would have otherwise jingled around in my brain like loose change... most likely at times, like now, when I have deadlines to meet.
So here I am, essentially procrastinating, although it feels nothing like that. In fact, I am aware how very important it is for me to stick these thoughts to some sort of permanent tack board at this very moment. Maybe this is my chance to redeem myself, to myself that is, as inspirational.
Lists are not my forte. If they were, I might be a more orderly person, organized, together. That'd be nice. *sigh*... Alas, this particular list has been writing itself in my head, and I have really been pleased with it. Let's see how it looks outside of my brain.
This is a list of things that I have learned.
1) I should write more lists. And then look at them at the appropriate moments when they are meant to serve me.
2) Caring what other people think has caused me plenty of trouble and I wish to not pass that down to X and U. In the wise words of a neighbor, running partner, and fellow dog-person, you just have to know how to love yourself. And although, I would like to pretend that I do, I'm pretty sure I just haven't learned how to do that yet. I think I'm alright, and am able to recognize both my talents and my defects, but love is a pretty strong word.
3) I want my daughters to know how to love themselves. I better figure out #2.
4) Good days with X and U happen when I'm not trying to do too much.
5) Doing too little leads to a feeling of being overwhelmed and makes for strained and frustrating days.
6) Conflict doesn't have to be terrifying.
7) The way I think makes all the difference.
8) A little bit of blurriness can make things so much clearer. I was listening to a brazilian musician the other night, and when I became tired, could no longer make out the lyrics... suddenly the rest of the experience happened for me. It was like those scenes in "A Beautiful Mind" in which certain numbers or formulas lit up on the blackboard--little bits of the performance popped out at me. It was pretty amazing, really, and it makes me wonder how my experience in my everyday life could be different if I stopped focusing on certain things.
9) I am so fortunate to truly love and be loved by my partner.
Now that I'm at #10, I feel like this should be the end of the list, and yet I can't think of the plethora of list items that occurred to me over the course of the day. That's alright with me, I suppose, since this is by no means meant to be an exhaustive list of all I know. It is this process, after all, that is really the most important--the scary moment, the deep breathing, the positive-thinking, the realization, the overcoming, and finally the doing differently. The items here have nearly all come out of really difficult situations that I've gone through in the last few years. I'm so thankful for all of them. Who knew Crazy Neighbor would have such a positive effect on me? Maybe we'll send him a Christmas card this year. That'd be weird.
